Like, chat, flirt, look like a ghost (when someone stops talking to you for no reason, it’s like a “ghost”) – dating in the internet age can be a tedious and depressing job, leaving many single people feeling exhausted.

Andy Hong feels like he’s meeting the same woman over and over on online dating apps: a small New England school grad who loves skiing and playing sports.

The 28-year-old says she has no problem with these types of women, but doesn’t necessarily have a connection with any of them, and she knows there are all kinds of people with whom she could be romantically involved. .

You find the repetition heavy, but the Hinge app keeps recommending you like-minded people. “They’re targeting a man and offering you a man,” says Hong, who lives in Boston.

The experience left Hong with “decision fatigue” or, as others have called it, “dating app burnout.”

Is online dating a tiring experience?

It’s a common phenomenon in the online dating world. People are tired of the endless potential options available in apps.

Many users are frustrated with the time they spend online compared to the time they spend on real dating.

“In terms of pure numbers, you would hypothetically have a solid conversation with about 10 people you would date, probably seven or eight,” Hong says. “Out of those seven or eight appointments, you’ll be able to finish on a date or two.”

But it’s hard for single people today not to take on the digital dating world – even though many know it’s a difficult and potentially disappointing job.

According to a 2019 study, online dating is now a much more likely way to meet a partner than a casual encounter.

But it can have ramifications: A recent survey by UK dating app Badoo showed that over 75% of single people feel burnout after non-rewarding interactions and inappropriate matches across platforms and apps.

A study by Hinge also found that a significant proportion (61%) of its users are currently overwhelmed by the dating process, and a study from April found that four in five adults “experience some form of emotional fatigue or online dating fatigue.”

Still, people continue to use online dating to find potential partners. It seems that no matter how bad the experience, apps remain one of the easiest ways to meet people for romantic purposes in a world that is slowly moving to the web.

If people are going to stay on these dating apps, are there ways to reduce their backend work?

“There is a lot to pass”

Nora Padison, licensed professional counselor at Space Between Consulting Services in Baltimore, says that dating app burnout simply refers to the fatigue that comes after prolonged use of dating apps.

There are key signs to identify this type of fatigue: when a user associates negative emotions with dating apps; when the act of using the app and the ensuing dating process leave them exhausted; and when it feels like a “second job,” says Padison, who runs two “hip dating support groups” for adults ages 25 to 35.

More than half of a group of 395 Tinder users interviewed in 2017 had uninstalled the app more than once, according to research by Leah LeFebvre, an associate professor of communications studies at the University of Alabama.

In almost 40% of these cases, it was because the user started a relationship. However, 35% of respondents said they quit the app because they “feeled unsuccessful”.

“This means they have no responses, no matches or potential partners or negative experiences,” LeFebvre told the BBC in an email. Some are “bored” or “tired” of using the app; others found all signs of dating app burnout “irrational.”

“I sometimes feel exhausted when I feel like I have to deal with literally 100 people to find someone I find moderately interesting or at least want to talk to,” says 32-year-old speech therapist Rosemary Guiser. “It feels like there’s a lot to live up to,” based in Philadelphia, USA.

Guiser started using apps like Bumble and Hinge when a relationship ended in January, but her first experience with dating apps was with OkCupid and Tinder in 2013 and 2014. He says he starts to feel fatigued from the apps “almost immediately” from the moment he opens them.

“The process of talking to someone, planning to meet them, and then meeting them is time-consuming and labor-intensive,” Guiser says. He also adds that he doesn’t like chatting in apps because these text conversations don’t offer a real view of the other person.

“You can have a great conversation with someone, but then you meet them and within 10 seconds you realize that he’s not someone you want to meet,” he says, and that’s a waste of time. It can also be an emotional disappointment to realize that the person who appears to be the ideal candidate on the Internet does not exist in real life.

Design and behavior issues

The design of dating apps can also cause frustration for tired users.

Guiser was fed up with non-payment items that would make the app experience better and chose not to. For example, he said the first thing he checked on a potential partner was his political beliefs. But on Bumble, it says you have to pay to filter people by these features.

And because he didn’t pay, he “had to go through dozens, dozens of people he didn’t even look at once.”

It can also be difficult to navigate multiple dating apps at once, but many use more than one because they feel it gives them a chance to find a partner. Switching between different interfaces can be a problem. “I got used to one interface and then I go to the other and it’s like, ‘Oh, I left someone I love’ or ‘I really liked someone when all I wanted was to see their photos,'” she says. Guiser.

And then there’s the challenge of interacting with potential partners. This part of the process opens the door to a whole host of other motivating experiences, as many of them tend to flirt disrespectfully online.

For example, a 2016 dating platform Plenty of Fish survey found that 80% of the 800,000-year dating period was ghosted in the process.

Since it is a screen that mediates the interaction between the person and the person, it is more difficult to see the person with whom he is communicating as a human, they look more like the characters in the online dating game, which makes it easier to deal with them. in an inhumane way.

According to the center of Pew research, women in particular face brutality on dating apps: 44% of users under the age of 35 reported being insulted with abusive words, and 19% reported receiving threats of physical harm.

“I think they’re playing with people more online,” says Dr Joan Orlando, an Australia-based researcher and author with a focus on digital health, suggesting that not everyone who uses the apps is there to find a date.

Even those who are can be cruel to others, either on purpose or simply because it’s just too much work to treat everyone on comparable human levels. Repeated abuse online can contribute to feelings of negativity and burnout with these practices.

To stay or to take a break?

However, many, like Hong, stick to apps even out of fatigue.

“You can compare apps a bit to Amazon or Facebook,” Padison says, “because they’re so affordable that it’s more of a habit than meeting people in other ways.” they are not in love with platforms.

The Covid-19 pandemic has also accustomed people to online interactions, creating the need for many to study their suitors before meeting them in real life.

It is not easy to meet romantic partners in physical spaces, especially for people who are not used to sitting in bars. Padison suggests finding group activities to meet people with similar interests, but that doesn’t always work. For example, Hong says he attended a community garden, but “I’m the youngest there in decades… I haven’t met anyone like that.”

Instead, she’s looking for ways to make her hands-on dating experience more productive: “I’m looking for ‘red flags’ (comments or actions about someone that might be considered ‘worrying’), she says, and she quickly learns to pinpoint the profile of a person that might show she’s not the right person for her. But that in itself can be tiring.

“Constantly judging, searching for mines, is tiring for the mind,” he says.

Empty relationship expert Caroline West suggests taking apps more deliberately. “Most people at Bumble say they are now ahead of their game in what they want,” she says.

He recommends that users connect with two or three potential candidates at once to focus on quality rather than quantity. Bumble also has a tool to help tired users “sleep” their activity so they can take a break and let potential people know they’re doing it.

For some people, just what they need is a break from dating. Padison says she’s spoken to some clients dealing with dating app burnout about abandoning them altogether and taking some time to work on themselves.

Guiser has stopped using dating apps because she is currently seeing someone. They are not in a special relationship, so you can continue to look for other potential partners in the applications. But he welcomed the chance to take a break.

After all, when using apps, he has a toxic mindset that “If I don’t use this really aggressively, I’ll never find one”.

She needed to learn strategies to overcome dating him, such as asking herself some questions to see if she was in a good place before she could start reviewing apps.

“Am I enjoying it, or am I doing it because I’m lonely and unhappy?” says. “I was trying to keep myself from falling into the black hole of seeing people and being influenced.” Unfortunately, he fell into the black hole many times, much more than he considered “good experiences”. That’s when he learned to turn off his phone.